A few weeks ago I got an email from a woman, asking my advice about the constant conflict in her home between her two daughters. This woman had never had a sister herself, but she’d imagined how satisfying it would be to have a sister with whom she could share all the ups and downs of her life. 

Plaques with warm sentiments had fueled this dream: 

Sisters Are Forever… 

Sisters Are For Sharing Laughter And Wiping Tears… 

Being Sisters Means You Always Have Backup…

Who wouldn’t want that? 

And more— who wouldn’t want that for her daughters?

Yet reality often times paints a far different picture. Most sisters struggle, and many sisters fail, to come into adulthood as friends. 

Sometimes the conflicts that arise between siblings in adulthood stretch way back to unresolved resentments from childhood; people still competing for their parents’ approval. 

Other times the distance is a result of differing values, or different stages of life. Or even disinterest— one sibling longs for connection, the other won’t make the effort. 

And all too often, there are hurts that either one or both siblings cannot overcome. In fact, two authors whose book I recently read about sibling rivalry dedicated their writing, “To all the grown-up siblings who still have a hurt child inside them.”

But that’s not what we want for our children, is it? And that’s why it’s worth doing the hard work now, while the kids are still at home, and you can still coach them— in order to give them every chance at a mutually satisfying relationship in the future.

Which leads us to… 

Peacemaker Skill #3: Know Your Children’s Fears

I have the incredible fun of living just down the street from my daughter and her family. I don’t know how long it will be this way, so I’m trying to enjoy every moment, storing away memories and making a few in the process. 

Living so close, I get to do a lot of everyday life with these three Grands: Duke and Scarlet, and little Beatrice. Birdie, as we all call her, is still too young to argue with her brother and sister. But Duke and Scarlet can go at it like pros! Brook and Elizabeth work on this area of conflict in their kids constantly. 

I hear the weariness in my daughter’s voice when she’s correcting the same kind of conflict over and over again. 

Since I’ve been reading stacks of books and studying up a storm about this unfortunate phenomenon of sibling conflict, I’ve perked up my ears to listen in on their arguments. 

One concept in particular has struck me and so I pass it on to you to mull over and pray through for yourselves.

The theory comes from an excellent book entitled, The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley. After years of study, the Smalley Marriage Institute has come up with the idea that every single conflict between humans comes down two core fears. 

Two fears that drive conflict.

As I was reading about these two core fears, I couldn’t help but think about a few recent conflicts I’d see between Duke and Scarlet. 

Ah ha! 

Clear as a bell I recognized Duke’s fear and Scarlet’s fear, as well as how they intensify each other’s fears because… well, because they’re so entirely human!

What are the core fears?

1. A core fear of helplessness or feeling controlled.
2. A core fear of disconnection— feeling unheard, under valued, rejected. 

What’s more, the Smalley Institute found that typically (but by no means always), the core fear of a man or boy is this fear of being controlled, while the core fear of most girls and women is feeling disconnected, rejected, or undervalued. 

While this division along gender lines may be true, in my experience, lots and lots of women’s core fear has to do with control, and many men long for uncomplicated connection. Just sayin’…

How might this look in your home?

Your son, who is an introvert, comes home from school exhausted from a long day of listening and interacting and having to talk, talk, talk. 

All that boy wants is to be left alone for an hour. Or at least to finally be in charge after having to toe-the-line all day.

As he gets off the bus, he’s already shutting down to monosyllable-length sentences. You’re lucky to get a grunt out of the poor guy!

But little sis has been home with just you and the baby...

All. Day. Long. 

You’ve been busy doing what you need to do to run a household. You’ve done your best, but honestly, you just cannot listen and respond and interact 24/7.

So little sister is ready to pounce on big brother as soon as he sets foot on the front porch. She greets him with her brightest smile, follows him back to the playroom, chattering happily all the way. 

One of two things happens next: 

1. Big brother can take only so much of little sis’ need for response before he turns on her in harsh anger and yells, “Leave me alone!” 

(Can you see his need to control his environment?)

Which reduces little sis to tears and she comes running to you saying, “Big brother is being mean to me!”

Or…

     2.  Big brother ignores little sis ‘cuz you’ve been on him to be nice. He just bottles up his irritation so he doesn’t get in trouble. 

So… little sis, knowing her big brother as she does, pushes the appropriate button to get him riled. 

(Can you see her need for connection, even if it’s negative attention?)

Big brother reacts by pushing her out of the playroom and yelling at her to skedaddle. Or he comes running to you saying, “Little sis just wrecked that Lego creation I’ve been working on all week! Make her leave me alone!”

Right?

And maybe your kids’ fears are reversed or they both have the same fear— but that’s not the point. 

The real nugget of gold here is in studying your child to help him or her to identify his or her own core fear— does it have to do with control, or connection?

As I’ve pondered this concept all week, I’ve seen how poignantly it plays out in my own relationships— especially in how Phil and I relate to each other.

Phil is all about control— he fears being controlled.

I am all about connection— I fear feeling undervalued or unheard. 

Because we are such classic examples of this truth, next week I’m going to dig deeper into our reality in the hopes that you can see how this concept plays out in your home and in your relationships. 

And I’ll be listing some helps I’ve found for both tendencies: the one who primarily fears being controlled, as well as the one who mostly fears being undervalued and disconnected.

Most of all, I want you to see that this potentially explosive area of conflict can be soothed and smoothed by:

1. Asking a couple of key questions

and 

      2.  Learning just a few basic skills.

 

In the meantime, why don’t you spend some time this week watching how your children interact with each other? Here are some things to look for:

1. Does one of your children seem to need to arrange his or her environment when under stress? Does he or she often feel powerless, impotent, or controlled?
2. Does one of your children seem to consistently annoy or poke at his or her sibling when feeling ignored? Does he or she sometimes feel rejected, abandoned, or inadequate?
3. Does one of your kids prefer to be in charge most of the time?
4. Does one of your kids seem to need more physical and/or verbal connection than the others?

Your answers to these questions may enable you to recognize your children’s greatest fears— and thus enable you to better equip each of your children to get along with each other, while gaining skills for relational maturity in future relationships. 

Let me know how you’re seeing these two fears play out in your children’s conflicts by leaving a comment— you never know when something you’re learning may spark a light bulb moment in someone who’s at their whit’s end as they face a long summer of sibling bickering.

From my heart,

Diane